1. |
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Woke up feeling okay, but that changed
Add it to the list of things I can’t control
Maybe I need to come to terms
With the fact that I can’t create my own life
Maybe it was always collaborative
A joint construction of a life lived
Maybe it was always collaborative
A joint construction of a life lived
Maybe it was always collaborative
A joint construction of a life lived
Maybe it was always collaborative
A joint construction of a life lived
You always thought
That it was singular effort
Coming forth from your center
But you were wrong
Every time you thought you were too sensitive
You were just getting in tune with a deeper truth
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2. |
Rolling Stop
02:52
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I am no longer yearning for a past I never had
A childhood of simple excuses, a world of catered kind hands
Disturbed by truth
Only anchored by youth
Never grasping how much
It mattered
I am no longer yearning for a person I never was
A future of easy engagement, a fantasy of fairness
Disturbed by truth
Only anchored by delusions
Of a future conversation
With a person that no longer exists
I am no longer praying at the altar of fantasy
Asking too much of the other, performing lazy pageantry
Disturbed by truth
Only anchored by good will
Never dwelling on what
I could do better
I could do better
I could do better
I could do better
I could do better
I could do better
Full stop
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3. |
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I spent a half hour in the shower
Coming up with my suicide note
I’d post it to every platform
Before going home
Caught up in my dream
Of being better than I have been
While knowing that in your mind
I could be anything
I fear I’m a disgusting fraud
I’ll never overcome my flaws
I can be written off as a loss
No, there is no romance
In being 30 and depressed
Embarrassed looking back at every failed attempt
To be
Anything more
Than another desperate ring
On the cell phone of God
Answering nobody
Oversaturation
Leading to another new sensation
Of pain that will lead
Into psychosis
I fear it’ll always come to this
A new self-destructive bliss
Absolving my responsibilities to you
I am a second away from death
I can feel it in my fingertips
I can touch the bloodshot eyes of the other side
Hold up your worst great unknowns
I will not die again
Hold up your worst great unknowns
I will not fall for it again
Hold your greatest flaws close
I will never blame them on you
That’s a thing this awful world would do
I will never blame it on you
The horrors of this world are true
There’s often very little we can do
But I will never blame it on you
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4. |
As Above, So Below
02:15
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A little delusion goes a long way
When you live in the U.S. of A.
A little destruction goes a long way
When you’ve been taught by all of this decay
Hold on to all you got
'Cause there’s no telling when it goes
All you know is all you don’t
Take your worst thought
Make it everything you talk about
Take your old wounds
Open them up for show and tell
Oh well
We’re only
Making it up as we go
We’re making it up as we go
We’re making it up as we go
We’re making it up
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5. |
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I just wanna be good enough
I just wanna be good enough
For you
For you
I just wanna be good enough
I just wanna be good enough
For you
For you
Is there anything I can do
To establish myself as someone worth something to you?
I just wanna feel good enough
I just wanna feel good enough
For you
For you
I just wanna feel good enough
I just wanna feel good enough
I just wanna be coursing through
The estuary of difference between me and you
Nothing will ever change
And in the same breath
Nothing will never stay the same
The story may never change
Oh but the characters continue off the page
But maybe one day
The words will wash away
Will I ever be good enough?
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6. |
You Can't Go Home Again
02:28
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I know you told me forty times
To go outside
Alone
I figured it out on my own
Just like every time
The stubborn unknowns
Death
It comes to me in the form of
A traffic jam of learning
I wonder, will it ever go away
This drowning sensation
Of change
I need to shed off all this skin
All to remain
Something within
Death
It comes to me in the form of
A fatalistic yearning
Burned off all my hair
I guess I will
Have to just go bald
Scorched earth answers
Find nothing matters
The war is an endless bore
I mourn myself
Before it took over
The emptiness, the infinite hole
Fill it with projects
Yet another six pack
Superficial romance
Endless distractions
Need to move my body
Get another hobby
But this might not be
The way to deal with it
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7. |
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You can find me on the fringes of a thought
Absorbing each and every pain and grievance
You can find me sobbing from a unseen distance
Only a straight face and supportive words to offer in your time of weakness
We're all immensely suffering and it may be never ending
Connected only by our rage and fear
Understandable why many no longer want to be here
Alive in the modern age
Why can't there be a way
To link up all our brains
And really understand the pain
We put ourselves through
And transfer to others too
There are no satisfying answers
Even when you ask the right questions
Have you ever held conflicting thoughts
In harmony inside your mind
Have you ever really looked truth in the eyes
Without a separation of plexiglass
Find longing for a simpler pain
Birth nostalgia for the past misery
Hold onto your sentiment
We live in a culture that would rather destroy itself than ever repent
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8. |
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You want me to do well
You want me to do well
You want me to do well
You want me to do well
A great weight sign
Above your head online
I’ll bet you everything I have
You don’t know a thing
You don’t know a thing
Wasted all this time
In search of someplace right
To fit all of my
Misshapen appendages
No, I don’t know the time
I have lost track of mine
Wasted all this time
Wasted all this time
Wasted all this time
In fear of failing at something right
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9. |
The Market of Compassion
02:01
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Inundated with media
Telling us how our lives are gonna be
Protagonist and antagonist
Bystander extra in the background
The ways we once remembered how things were
Adverse nostalgia recasting the moments we were once joyful
An endless stream of fantasy drowning out all the safety
Ideology
In everything we see
Ideology
In everything we see
Conflicted is the only reasonable thing to be
How do you love the loveless empty in the everyone you meet?
How do you heal the always bleeding in the everything?
I want to love everything
How do I save everything?
How do I heal?
Everything inside of me is blowing up so gradually
Face your everything void or it’ll find a way to kill you
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10. |
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I love to look at my phone
Get upset and overwhelmed by all the complexity
I love to be reminded that I can’t really know anything
All the lies and all the truths
The internet plays it fast and loose
One big violent psychosomatic abuse
I love to look at my phone
Dissociate in the face of all the passing imagery
I love to take laps around the edges of my own sanity
All the noise, the yelling voices
There is no solution to the crushing silence
One big violent psychosomatic abuse
Kill the tech startup in your head
I guarantee you it deserves to die instead
Cut off Silicon Valley’s head
Maybe we can choose to survive instead
I hate looking at my phone
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11. |
Victim of Life
02:20
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There are so many ways
You can explain yourself
In time you'll find that you can define anything any way you really want
There are so many ways
You can deceive yourself
In time you'll find that you can just lie about anything you really want
But you won’t, you’ll just lie there with blind hope
To be understood as you are
Which is nothing at all
Just a shell of a boundless soul
Trying to find something to distract yourself with
A new video game
A new fling
A new hobby you’ll pick up, get really invested in for a week until you get bored
There are so many ways
That you can fail yourself
In time you'll find you can annihilate yourself any way you really want
There are so many ways
That you can save yourself
In time you'll find that you should just do all the boring shit that you need to do
And you will, 'cause you know the alternative
Self-destruct, destroy
Everything
That you love
Destroy everything
That you love
It’s nothing at all
It’s nothing at all
It’s nothing at all
Suddenly it’s everything
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12. |
Drink Full and Descend
02:21
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I broke into the lighthouse screaming
Telling the boats to stop or they'll crash into the rocks
Too many ships are wrecked that way
In preventable tragedy
Hold your coast close
A sense of self in the other that you can never discover if you
Don’t go in the direction of what you don’t know
I fell out the porthole backward
Crashed head-first into the sea
You never know the impact
Until you’ve truly seen
All your mistakes
Become a drop in the bucket of this foreboding pollution
That spreads through the entirety of the ocean
Don’t forget to tread your arms
But you’ll stop and say what’s the harm
And you’ll drown slowly
Without the effort, you’ll drown slowly
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13. |
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Restless and fearful of the tomorrow that comes
Emptiness prevails when the fullness is avoided in others and the self
Never solutions when the answer is conflict
People paved over in favor of something closer to an idea
Every hurt you’ve known, it will find a place to grow
A convincing lie told straight through your brain
Everyone you’ve known, they will find a path to yield
To another that will tell them they’re not there
We’re all yielding
We’re all yielding
To take care is to know that failure’s coming
But to face it instead of running
In the opposite direction
To know yourself is hard
And the world is near impossible to know
Take care
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